Why Can't We Be Friends?
We can, so long as you survive my long list of requirements. Good luck!
2017 was a long time ago.
It was before the pandemic and countless other global nightmares, it was before TikTok (I have no idea if it was actually before TikTok), it was before the Eras tour, it was before, during, and after our nationwide run on mass shootings, it was before I had written a book, and before I had a teenager, before I really started feeling—and looking?—my age. I have a lot more grey in my hair now, which may or may not have to do with the aforementioned teenager (spoiler alert: it definitely may).
A lot of things have changed for me; a lot of things have changed for most of us. But many things haven’t changed. Especially politically.
You already know this, but 2024 is an election year. And it’s a big one, though that’s getting to be a theme. When was the last time it wasn’t a big one? I preferred it when elections were about taxes and not about reducing rights and demonizing marginalized people in an effort to Make America Hate Again.
Thanks to our increasingly intractable stances on fundamental issues (like abortion, gun control, whether a racist rapist liar should be president and if everyone deserves equal rights regardless of race, sexual orientation, and gender identification), an election process that relies on the electoral college, which discounts and often stands in direct opposition to the popular vote, a media apparatus that’s seemingly more concerned with click-baiting and stoking provocation than accurately presenting the facts, not to mention an increasingly extreme conservative party that kowtows to its worst members, is under the thumb of an incendiary demagogue, is hellbent on keeping its constituency as misinformed, uninformed, and scared as possible just to accumulate power, wants to—and is somehow succeeding at—limiting the rights and autonomy of women, and doesn’t seem to understand that religious views have no place in government, the country is again on the brink of disaster.
(Yes, both candidates are way too old, but one of them is a hateful, wannabe dictator and the other is not. The choice should be clear, regardless of whether or not—but especially if you are—a patriot and a Christian.)
Whatever. We all know every side is way too dug in to change their minds, although if they did, it would almost definitely be because a dad with a semi-popular Instagram account convinced them to! You’re welcome.
Frankly, I don’t give a shit if you change your mind. But if you’re planning to vote for Trump, I question if you even have a mind. (You definitely don’t have a heart.) Either way, I definitely don’t want to engage with it.
That’s why I’ve updated a list I made years ago, in January 2017, right at the start of Chancellor Trump’s term, about the parenting attributes that might make us compatible as friends. Your stance on Trump is now number one with a bullet.
Political persuasion aside (thought it’s basically impossible to put that aside in 2024), parents often have a hard time making friends. Usually, we rely on our kids to forge their own connections and we fall into acquaintanceships via mutual daycares, trips to the playgrounds, sports teams, etc. Not all of those blossom into actual friendships, because proximity doesn’t necessarily mean shared viewpoints.
So I’ve created a list that lays out exactly what I look for in other potential parent friends. Feel free to use this at your next playdate!
Things I Look For In Other Parents
You #NeverTrump
You know that politics and parenting are inextricable, now more than ever
You have a sense of humor about your kids
You have a sense of humor about parenting
You have a sense of humor
You occasionally get pissed at your kids because you’re a human being with emotions
You frequently apologize to your kids for getting pissed at them because they are human beings with emotions
You acknowledge the fact that children are annoying/inconvenient/expensive/exhausting
You allow other people to acknowledge those things without assuming they don’t love their kids or that they regret having them
You don’t freak out about too much screen time/too much junk food/too much TV
You don’t freak out much in general
You talk to your kids about the dangers (the proliferation of porn, misogyny, hate) of the internet and social media
You talk to your kids about respect and empathy and consent
You don’t give a FUCK about drag queens
You realize that people are people, whether they’re trans or gay or non-binary or poly or whatever they want to be, and that we are all entitled to happiness (except for people who dedicate their time to limiting others’ opportunities for it)
Your kids don’t bully
If they do something mean, you don’t get defensive about it
You realize parenting is a total crap-shoot
You don’t buy your kids everything they ask for because that makes me look terrible when I say no all the time
You recognize the gun problem and have a reasonable stance on it
You are a VirgoYou don’t actually put stock in astrologyYou trust science
You swear
You vaccinate
You don’t blame vaccines for autism or think they’ve got microchips in them
You believe in evolution and don’t think the world is flat
You aren’t a conspiracy theorist
You don’t think Democrats eat babies or that Biden has been cloned or is secretly a lizard person or that the earth is flat or that the Illuminati is real or that Trump is secretly still president or that Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce are a psyop and on and on and on
You recognize dark chocolate as superior to milk chocolate and you never mention white chocolate in my presence
You don’t judge
You don’t give me parenting advice
You don’t dismiss or minimize ADHD
You aren’t a Nazi
You don’t support the banning or burning of books
You understand that teaching history means teaching all of it, even if the truth makes you uncomfortable
You’re down with Taylor Swift or, at the very least, you aren’t threatened by her or other successful women
You understand that sometimes saying “yes” to your kids is better for everybody
You don’t say #NotAllMen or mock someone for being “woke” or having pronouns in their bio
You don’t endorse Andrew Tate or Jordan Peterson or any of those charlatan misogynistic shit heels
Your car is a mess because kids
Your house is a mess because kids
You don’t care that your car and your house are a mess
You don’t care that my car and house are a mess
You don’t think Jesus would be pro-gun and anti-trans and pro-billionaire and anti-immigrant and pro-Trump
You don’t take the Bible literally or cherry-pick portions of it to justify your hate
You aren’t younger than me and if you are you shut up about it
You aren’t better looking than me
You can tolerate me (this is probably the most important attribute of all)
You order my book! (I stand corrected; this is the most important attribute of all)
Social Media Round-up
Buy My Book!
Yes, I’m doing this again. We’re entering the final month before it hits the shelves, and pre-orders remain important! If you’re considering buying Dad Truths later, please just buy it now!
Good Reads reviews are starting to hit from people who’ve received ARCs (advance review copies). I am not sending those, they are provided by my publisher to a variety of groups to help drive reviews. If you happen to be an ARC person, maybe request DAD TRUTHS, and if you like it, throw me 5 (or at least 4) stars, and add a review - and then copy and paste that bad boy to Amazon! Go ahead and emphasize how funny it is (provided you do find it funny). The humor, and the fact that it’s from a dad’s perspective, are its best selling points.
Here’s one of the reviews I’ve gotten so far:
Hooray for short, fun, and profanity! Now please go buy (and review!) my fucking book! (Sorry Mom and Dad.)
I think I passed the test and we can be friends 😁 now I just need to get to know Mom and Buried and I'm all set! Seriously though, it's a great list, and I wish I knew more people like that in real life. Instead, I live close to a tiny blue pocket (where Pete Buttigieg is from 💜) in a very red state.