The Best Pro-Gun Arguments and Why They All Suck

The many tired excuses for refusing gun reform were trotted out again after Kansas City. We know them all by heart by now.

Yesterday, in the aftermath of the Kansas City shooting, I posted a meme about the ways gun defenders bend over backwards to defend guns.

I’ve posted it before, obviously, because we have so many shootings and it never stops being relevant, and every time I do, my comments are flooded with the exact excuses I’m mocking in the meme. Today, I figured I’d list those excuses, and explain why every single one of them sucks.

Here is my list of the most popular excuses we all hear after every gun-related tragedy. The same excuses used almost as often as the old “thoughts and prayers chestnut,” excuses people use to avoid acknowledging the plainly obvious fact that the proliferation of guns in this country probably has a little something to do with the proliferation of gun violence in this country, and to avoid doing a single thing to address the issue.

(At one point I was going to count how many comments I received touting each nonsensical argument, but with almost 400 comments—and counting—that was as futile as trying to convince the people leaving the comments that guns are a problem.

Without further ado…

The Same Old Bullshit We Hear Every Time

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people - I know facts and statistics and reality aren’t your strong-suit, but please check the stats of other countries that have fewer guns and clock the fact that they also have fewer shootings. It’s not rocket science, Cletus.

Restrictions and stronger laws don’t work - Tell that to Australia, who took action after a tragedy decades ago and have gone almost unscathed in the years since.

Then I guess we should ban cars too! - Hahaha hilarious! The thing is, cars are designed for transportation (every other version of this argument always features objects—forks, knives, hammers, etc.—designed for other primary purposes). When people die in car crashes, it’s accidental. They’re little called car accidents. Guns are designed to kill things. When they kill something, they are fulfilling their literal purpose.

Criminals would still find a way to get them -  Did you ever consider the idea that there might be fewer guns for criminals to access to if guns weren’t all over the place? Never mind, I forgot. “Considering ideas” is not your thing. My bad.

Only bad people use them to do bad things - Please explain the insanely frequent news stories about toddlers and children who’ve stumbled across one of their parents guns (one commenter told me he has 80+ guns and proudly admitted he’s lost count) and accidentally shot their siblings and their parents and their friends. They can’t ALL be Macaulay Culkin’s character in THE GOOD SON. He fell off a cliff! (Idea: should we ban cliffs?)

It’s a mental health problem - Good call. There is definitely a mental health problem in this country. (One that conservatives—the group most in love with their guns—refuse to address as well.) And with all these crazy people running around, let’s definitely make sure they have access to dangerous weapons with which to act on their delusions and paranoia!

I need it for self-defense - Yeah, from all the other guns, you dumb fucks! But the inherent contradiction in this argument is that the people who claim they only need their guns for self-defense are the same ones who abide by all safety precautions—i.e., keeping the guns locked up and the ammunition separate. In the case of a break-in or one of those mythical home invasions, not only are the odds higher that you’ll shoot accidentally yourself or a family member, you will barely have time to unlock your safe and grab your gun and load your gun before the Manson family gets to you. (And if anyone does break in to your house, the overwhelming odds are that they want take your money, not commit ritualistic murders.) Besides, as noted before, I’d there were fewer guns around, there would be fewer external dangers as well.

We need them to protect against fascists and tyrants and the government - You deluded motherfuckers are literally trying to put a fascist government in place right now! Your beloved leader has literally said out loud that he plans to be a dictator, just like his heroes. And every single time there’s been some sort of, I dunno, insurrection, it’s always the gun fetishists and their cohort that are responsible. Stop pretending other people are the problem and look in the mirror. But not in a gender-neutral bathroom, there might be a drag queen in there!!!

We just want to take all their guns away - Literally no one—not presidents, not politics, not pacifists, not everyday people—has ever suggested that we’re going to go door to door and take all the guns, despite the constant fear-mongering. You know why? Sure, because the constitution and the Founders and blah blah blah, but really because of the lobbyists and the money. Besides, it’s impossible because there are so many goddamn guns. (Probably because you lunatics keep fucking them and making more.) All that said, taking all your guns wouldn’t be a horrible idea.

Every single one of these tired arguments is trotted out every single time there is another mass shooting at one of our school, churches, nightclubs, grocery stores, Super Bowl parades, and on and on and on. And because there are so many of these tragedies, we all hear every single one of those arguments over and over again. constantly. They love to debate! One guy won his argument by calling me a retard!

Of course the one argument we don’t hear from all of these people who swear they’re all responsible gun owners and that any new restrictions wouldn’t even affect them - in which case why the fuck wouldn’t you be for them? - is that we should do something. Anything.

Why? I don’t know. Probably because FoxNews and OAN and the NRA and their church leaders and political leaders are hellbent on scaring them—about immigration and violent cities and devil-worshipping democrats and black people and trans people and drag queens and microchipped vaccines and the fucking Rapture—in order to control them. And despite all their crowing about freedom and patriotism and don’t tread on me, they don’t realize how far gone and how under the thumb they are.

But hey, despite all our differences, I actually agree with you! Let’s do nothing! Let’s literally not do anything at all. Let’s not even try something new, something different, something other countries have had success with, even something we’ve done before that is actually been proven to work! Maybe doing nothing will actually solve all our problems.

Let’s just keep standing by and letting shootings continue happen almost everyday and instead focus on burning books and taking away women’s rights banning trans people from sports and bathrooms, and refusing to reckon with or even teach our country’s checkered (euphemisms are fun!) history, and sitting by while a leading presidential candidate promises retribution against his enemies, carte blanche for our enemies, and a literal dictatorship.

Let’s see if more nothing works. It’s totally worth the lives of many people. Especially children!