Simply Having an Incredibly Stressful Christmastime
All I want for Christmas is a little bit of downtime! And these 25 things...
This month is a mess. Between holiday parties, work obligations, school shenanigans, and all the shopping, the last month of the year is a total shit show. And I haven’t even gotten to the frank discussions I’ve been having with my teenager! (More to come on that front.)
The fact is, we’re packing to visit the grandparents for Christmas and I don’t have a lot of time, so today I’m going to share something I wrote back in the day, when I only had one kid and my biggest concern was lack of sleep (which remains a concern), instead of high school admissions, the easy accessibility of porn, and the existence of disgusting grifters like Andrew Tate.
(Please don’t message me with some half-assed defense of this piece of shit. Just unsubscribe. Thanks!) (Feel free to message me about my lists of Christmas songs and Christmas movies!)
As my holiday gift to you, here is a list of things we parents wish Santa would bring us.
25 Things Every Parent Wants for Christmas
More sleep
Some sleep
Half a nap?
Fine, a prolonged series of slow blinks
NO MORE EFFING LEGOS
The world’s strongest vacuum-cleaner
Fewer tantrums
Fewer tantrums in public
A lifetime supply of booze
A lifetime supply of aspirin
NO MORE EFFING PLAY-DOH
Better kids
Quieter kids
Smarter kids
Fewer kids
A nanny
NO MORE PERMANENT MARKERS
A maid
More batteries
Less batteries
Obedience
Acknowledgement
A tiny indication that the kid heard what I said?
Whatever, just give me a scarier voice
A vasectomy
And a long enough life to see my grandkids exact revenge
Happy Holidays!
I’m not entirely sure I’ll have another newsletter before 2024, so I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for subscribing to this newsletter, for following me on social media, and generally putting up with me.
Extra special thanks to anyone who actually pays for these Friday newsletters (this one is on the house, Merry Christmas!), and even MORE special thanks to anyone who has pre-ordered my book! Here’s one more chance before the holidays in case you want to print out your receipt and gift it to someone who doesn’t mind waiting until April 2nd to read it. Either way, you people are champions and I appreciate all of you.
Have a great holiday season and in case you don’t see me, good afternoon, good evening, and Happy New Year!