The Anti-Gift Guide
What NOT to get your kids for Christmas. Plus, the best (and worst) Christmas songs!
Christmas is this weekend. Which means you’re probably too busy scrambling for last minute gifts to read this, but just the same, I’m going to do you a favor.
We all know what our kids want: the most expensive possible stuff. VR headsets, PlayStation 5s, iPhones, Fortnite bucks. Okay fine, maybe that’s just my 13-year-old. Man I talked a big game about being excited to watch my kids grow up and it turns out I much preferred it when the heaviest lift on the Christmas list was Play-Doh and Magna-Tiles. My teen has champagne taste, and I have a beer wallet.
I’m sure some of you are dealing with similar requests, but here’s the thing: most of us have a pretty good idea of what to get our children. We know what they want, because they never stop telling us, and we know what they need, because we’re responsible and loving adults and they’ve outgrown their PJs.
Parents don’t need a gift guide, parents need an ANTI-gift guide. So I asked some parents (the ones that follow my IG channel), “What are the worst gifts to get your kids?” and as a service to you, I’ve put them together in list form.
Worst Gifts for Kids
Harmonica
Drums
Musical Instruments
Anything that makes noise, really
As a general rule of thumb: if it’s loud, it’s NOT ALLOWED! This goes for Christmas, Chanukah, birthdays, even New Year’s Eve - NO NOISEMAKERS OMG.
Slime
Glitter
Toys with a million little pieces
Anything that makes a mess
We have enough to clean already!
Pets
Pets are both loud AND messy. NO THANK YOU. Sure, they have a lot of benefits and I love my little cat Bubbles but I resisted getting Bubbles because pets are loud and messy and expensive and dogs need to be taken on walks and even though they are neither loud nor messy I will NEVER allow a snake in my home no matter how much The Hammer begs for one the little weirdo!
Clothes
I mean, obviously you’re getting your kids some clothes. But if you’re trying to film their ecstatic reactions as they rip open presents, socks and underwear ain’t it.
Anything at all
Honestly, we spend all year waiting on and providing for these kids, they’re not wanting for a thing, and yet they come tearing down the stairs expecting the world, the ungrateful little punks!
But it’s so fun to see their eyes light up, isn’t it? Even if it’s something that will melt their brains, or give you a migraine, or have you cleaning for the foreseeable future, or make them question having kids of their own? It’s Christmas! That’s the whole point. Get them whatever you want. (And then take it away the second they act up!)
Just don’t get them a pet. Trust me.
Social Media Round-Up
Christmas Songs
Last week, I shared a list of my favorite Christmas movies, and we’ve been trying to watch them all as we approach the big day. It’s not easy to fit them all in, but it is easy to have Christmas music on at all times. Easy for my wife, at least. I’d much prefer to listen to real music, and I don’t mean rock bands doing Christmas songs. I mean non-Christmas music. But there’s no way around it, so I decided to list some of my favorite, and least favorite, holiday tunes.
And cut me some slack here, I’m literally doing this off the top of my head!
Traditional Favorites:
“Hark the Herald Angels Sing”, “O Come All Ye Faithful”, “Oh Tanenbaum”, “The First Noel”, “Holly Jolly Christmas”, “Winter Wonderland”
Modern Favorites:
“I Wish It Were Christmas Today” (Julian Casablancas), “Fairytale of New York” (The Pogues), “Christmas Wrapping” (The Waitresses), “Last Christmas” (yeah I like it, deal with it!) (countless versions), “Father Christmas” (The Kinks), “Grown-up Christmas List” (IKR), Hard Candy Christmas, “All I Want for Christmas is You” (THAT’S RIGHT! GET OFF ME), “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” (John and Yoko)
Favorite Not-Really-Christmas-Song Christmas Songs:
“2000 Miles” (The Pretenders), “The Chanukah Song” (Adam Sandler)
Least Favorite Christmas Songs:
“Santa Baby” (this song can burn in hell, every version), anything by Pentatonix 🤮🤮🤮, that insane donkey song, “Wonderful Christmastime” (Paul McCartney), unless it actually is about witchcraft in which case it’s my number one with a bullet!