How to Pick a Favorite Child
It's not as hard as you think. Especially when one of them is a teenager.
Recently, I wrote about the negative reaction my posts and jokes often provoke from strangers online, and what leads some people to call me a bad parent. Luckily, I’m no stranger to criticism, and I’m not about to change to satisfy trolls!
Anyway, let’s talk about which one of my kids is my favorite.
Allow me to explain before you call child services. I have two children, a 7-year-old in second grade and an 8th grader who just turned thirteen. That’s right, I have a teenager.
Case closed!
Calm down!
It’s not so much that I prefer my second grader—with his lingering baby cheeks and adorable smile and burgeoning interest in both playing football and watching my beloved Miami Dolphins—to my challenging, moody, stubborn, video-game addicted 13-year-old with zero interest in anything except being by himself and giving me attitude, it’s that I prefer ALL second graders to ALL 13-year-olds.
As I wrote back in September when my eldest had his momentous birthday, I don’t subscribe to the theory that “once they become teens, it all turns to shit!” There are pros and cons to every age (including several ages where literal shit is an ongoing concern) and teenagers, while universally reviled for obvious reasons, aren’t all bad. They’re just all worse than 7-year-olds.
And it’s not like a switch gets flipped that makes them turn into Rosemary’s Baby all of a sudden. (Case in point: my 13yo has basically been a teen in everything but age for a few years now! Yay!) But the teen years do bring new external challenges, due to increasing independence, growing responsibilities, and the social anxiety of middle school, all of which are exacerbated by the internal upheaval that comes with hormones and puberty and etc. There’s a lot going on with teens, and it’s not always fun for parents to weather. But that’s not really my son’s fault.
Meanwhile, his little brother remains safely ensconced in the hormone-free sweet spot that is second grade. It’s all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows with my little guy! And that’s generally easier on everybody, which isn’t really his fault either, it’s just the benefit of being a little kid. Besides, he has no faults, the adorable little sweetheart!
Obviously I’m exaggerating a little bit. But they are at very different stages, and that makes for very different parenting experiences. Their not-tiny age gap makes it easy spot those differences. 13 and 7 are far enough a part that their “phases” are distinct and without overlap, and it’s helped me realize something very important.
Teenagers are simply more obnoxious than 7-year-olds!
I’m not saying my 7yo is a better person, or inherently has more value, or deserves more Christmas gifts (he’s definitely getting more, LEGO sets are so much cheaper than a PlayStation 5!) (they’re actually not even that much cheaper, what is happening!) or anything like that. Nor am I suggesting that my 13-year-old has broken bad and is a lost cause and is way too much like me for anyone to get along with, including and especially me. I’m just saying my youngest is in a good mood more often. His problems are smaller. He laughs more. He likes me more. He is less aware that I’m a fraud.
Of course he’s my favorite! Right now.
But some days he isn’t. Like when the teenager sleeps in on the weekend and the 7yo wakes me up because he can’t make his own breakfast. On those days I definitely prefer my 13yo.
Until the 13yo finally does wake up and immediately gets on his phone and I ask him to get off his phone but he’s wearing headphones so I get annoyed and have to loudly ask him to get off his phone again and he gets annoyed and says “but you’re on your phone!” and I yell “I’M A GROWN MAN! WE ARE NOT THE SAME!” and then he slams the door and my wife yells at me because I’m supposed to be the adult in this situation and now I’m somehow the bad guy?
And then my 7yo wanders up to me and plucks me from my rage to sweetly ask if I want to go outside and throw his beloved Miami Dolphins football with him and my heart can’t help but melt at his innocent desire to bond with his daddy and then I refuse because it’s freezing out there and I’m tired and I’m still mad, but at least he asked! What a darling child! On those days I definitely prefer my 7yo.
Until he refuses to eat dinner and still has the balls to demand desert and won’t go to sleep and let my 13-year-old and I can watch THEY LIVE together in peace because he may be a teen but he loves movies and he’s finally at the age where he is starting to see past pure spectacle and actually appreciate more sophisticated, slower-paced stories with actually characters who don’t wear capes and wield lightsabers. Then I prefer him.
And so on and so forth.
That’s the point. I always have a favorite kid—or, perhaps more accurately, a least favorite kid—and it doesn’t depend on much besides the time of day. Or their mood. Or my mood. Or their volume.
And which one wakes me up.
Social Media Round-Up
He’s just a teenage dirtbag, baby:
And he’s just a 7-year-old dirtbag:
Pop Culture Stuff
We finished The Morning Show, which kept finding new ways to be stupid. The stupidest part has to be how seriously they all take it, as if they’re saying something important. I’m glad it’s over, and not just because Mom and Buried wouldn’t stop remarking about Jon Hamm’s good looks.
We watched The Killer, which is like the opposite of The Morning Show. No fluff, all competence. Your mileage may vary but I liked it a lot, and it’s the kind of movie I want to watch again. Like I said last week, David Fincher’s movies are incredibly rewatchable, and while this might not be top five Fincher for me, a few more viewings might change that. And that fight scene! Wow.
Up next is The Curse, the new show from Nathan Fielder. I tried to watch it last night but I don’t have the proper subscription level, stupid Paramount+ WITH SHOWTIME. I swear I have 8000 streaming subscriptions but somehow now that one. YET. The world is stupid.
Book News
No real news here, just a bunch of thanks to everyone who pre-ordered it last week! You can get in on the fun right here, and please let me know if you do! You won’t get anything out of telling me but it makes me feel good.