F*ck ADHD
Pardon my French, but it's a four-letter word for a reason
ADHD is complicated.
There’s a lot I don’t yet understand, both in general and in the specific ways it impacts my 13-year-old, and when I write about it, I try to be forthcoming about his challenges with his attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and my struggles parenting him through it.
Even if, in the moment, I’m not always as understanding about those challenges and struggles as I wish to be.
I write about it occasionally, and in my efforts to better understand ADHD and help my son—if not overcome it then at least manage it, I mostly write about my struggles. My struggles to understand the condition, to help my son understand it, to learn how to parent through it, and and to be better at parenting him despite it.
Being honest about the challenges of ADHD can hopefully help eliminate the stigma and shame that sometimes come with it, and that’s a big reason why I share as much about them as I do. I may not know much, but I know that being open and honest about it—with him, with the people who follow me online—is a good thing.
Another big reason I talk about it is out of pure selfishness: I want to figure it out so I can be better at figuring him out! My son is not defined by his ADHD, but sometimes it feels as if my poor reaction to it is defining my relationship with him. Expressing my feelings and frustrations often helps me make sense of it, which will hopefully help me get better at dealing with it.
(Besides, I’ve tried the “holding everything in” approach and my wife finally made me get a therapist so that clearly wasn’t working!)
I wrestle with my son’s ADHD constantly, but when I write about it, I usually do my best to approach the topic with restraint and sensitivity.
Not today.
Today I say:
Fuck ADHD!
Fuck the way it frustrates my son.
Fuck the way it overloads his brain and obscures his intelligence.
Fuck the way it incites his anxiety and weaponizes his emotions.
Fuck the way it scrambles his focus, reduces his self-control, and electrifies his nerves.
Fuck the way it weakens his confidence and causes him to question his abilities.
Fuck the way it makes it harder for him to persevere through lessons and how much more challenging it makes it for him to behave during a long school day.
Fuck the way it adds emotional, psychological, and even physical obstacles to the already fraught process of growing up.
Fuck the way it frustrates me.
Fuck the way it obliterates my patience and increases my irritation.
Fuck the way I struggle to tell the difference between symptoms and standard teenage BS.
Fuck the way it adds conflict and tension to our interactions and damages our relationship.
Fuck the way strangers misunderstand and even dismiss it.
Fuck it for causing others to judge my son’s behavior and my parenting.
Fuck it for making the already impossible job of parenting even more disheartening.
Fuck ADHD!
That felt good.
My son wouldn’t be who he is without ADHD but he is not defined by it any more than he’s defined by his teenage moods or his love of videogames or his ridiculous jokes (stay tuned for future rants about all of those things!). They are all just pieces of the pie that makes up his personality, and many of those pieces are sure to change and evolve over time.
And, like his love videogames or silly jokes or anything else, his ADHD isn’t all bad.
We call ADHD his superpower and that’s not just parenting BS. On top of the challenges that his differently-wired brain brings, it also allows my son a perspective that neurotypical people don’t have.
Seeing the world differently can make fitting in difficult but embracing your differences, and finding ways to take advantage of those differences, can make you stand out.
I’m determined to help my son do that.
Fucking ADHD or not.
Social Media Round-up
One Month Away!
DAD TRUTHS is less than one month out, and not only will you start seeing more of me talking about it, you’ll (hopefully) see other people start talking about it to! My publisher has begun shipping it off to media outlets and influencers and others who will (hopefully) read it and (hopefully) enjoy it and (hopefully) share about it if they do. And if they do, I’ll be sharing their shares, so get ready for DAD TRUTHS takes to start multiplying like Mogwai who got moist after midnight!
(Don’t hate the player, hate the game.)
If you see something (about my book), say something—to me! I want to know what everyone thinks, even if it kills me. In the meantime, go buy it!
I have a 16 y/o son with ADHD and let me just let you know - it does get better. When he was 13, things got so rough that we went to a counselor who specialized in helping ADHD kids. He informed us that ALL boys have their absolute lowest levels of dopamine that they'll ever have around age 13. This makes 13 y/o neurotypical boys frustrating to parent at that age due to forgetfulness, disorganization, lack of impulse control, etc (which I can validate bc my other, neurotypical son is 13 now). It (obviously) makes it even more difficult for boys with ADHD, who already operate at a dopamine deficiency. Learning this helped us SO much as parents during that time
My 16 y/o is now thriving in a college prep high school and has grown so much from those middle school days of "why did you not just turn it in if you already did the work?!?!".
You are correct, it doesn't define them, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect both them and you as parents. Keep supporting, learning, and advocating for him the best you can and know that it does get better!
Just know you are not alone - this house is currently located in that 13yo swamp with you! I keep reminding myself his brain is just EXTRA right now because of puberty, not to mention the ADHD. But figuring out how to manage my own reactions to not-great behavior takes a LOT of deep breathing.