As I like to say on Instagram, I am not a smart man. Which is true. But: I’m no fool. Especially when it comes to knowing what I don’t know. Especially about parenting.
I’ve been a parent long enough now to know that whatever seems difficult today will pale in comparison to whatever comes tomorrow. Sleep-training, potty-training, baby-proofing, colic, teething, sleep regression, hand-foot-mouth, separation anxiety, speech delays, bullying, the birds and the bees, social media… it’s all hard, and as the kids get older and the stakes get higher, it only keeps getting harder. (And my oldest is only 12! GULP.)
So trust me when I say that I know what I’m about to proclaim probably won’t last. There will most likely be something new that comes along in a few months or a year that makes this post seem absurdly naïve, maybe even mildly offensive. But as of right now, this week, this Monday afternoon when I was helping my son with his homework and this morning when I was going through his backpack looking for something he needed, nothing seems harder than helping a kid with ADHD navigate school.
I’ve written about my 12yo’s middle school struggles, but mostly with an eye towards his social and mental health issues. Some of those issues are related to his ADHD - increased anxiety, impulse control, etc. - but none of them have been crazy out of the ordinary for any kid trying to survive one of the most disorienting stages of their young life. And we’ve been able to make some changes that have helped a bit (knock on wood!).
So now we’re back to just worrying about his grades and overall academic performance and oh my god I am not built for this. Especially when it comes to homework.
Homework sucks. I’m all for helping youngsters develop a work ethic and learn to study independently, but no kid wants to get home from a long day of school and have to do three hours of extra work, and I would argue that it’s even harder for ADHD kids. They’ve been holding themselves together all day long and when they get home they are finally free to let loose a little. Having to chain themselves to a desk for another few hours is not ideal.
It can be hard for my son to focus on schoolwork when he’s at his most well-rested, and when he walks in the door after 7+ hours of being a 7th grader, he is definitely not well-rested. His brain fried from the rigors of navigating the academic and social aspects of middle school, he needs help — sometimes with the actual subject matter he’s working on, but always with simply strapping in and getting it done.
Add to that a mix a tired dad who’s not exactly at his best when he gets home from work, and evenings at the Buried house are not exactly a fun factory. Making matters even worse is the reality that every year of school gets both more taxing and more important.
Yeah I know it’s only 7th grade, but Detective Munch not only needs to do learn the subject matter and do well in the classes he’s taking now, he also needs to form habits that will be necessary for him to do well in the classes he’ll be taking in high school and beyond. (Not to mention the fact that getting into a good high school in NYC is like applying to Harvard!) This tricky balancing act - between the here and now and the then and later - is not easy for kids to manage, or even to grasp. Especially a kid with ADHD who is either not focused on anything or is so laser-focused on one thing that nothing else matters. (Unfortunately that one thing is not usually his schoolwork.)
I’m 100% positive that this is a struggle for most parents (I haven’t met many 7th graders who are prepping for the future or are even all that aware of the impact their present might have on it), and that I would be nervous about my son’s long-term outlook whether he had ADHD or not. But the layer of ADHD makes it even harder to penetrate and drive home, and even more frustrating to navigate, and I fear that he won’t have the foundation he needs to succeed when he gets past the point of his parents being able to help. Which we’re already approaching.
Happy Wednesday! I need a drink.
Social Round-up
Pop Culture Stuff
We do family movie nights at least once a weekend. It used to be Fridays, with pizza, but when the pandemic hit it expanded and now there are some weekends where we do more than one. I say this because it means that we watch a lot of movies, and the more we watch, the fewer we have left to watch, which makes finding one difficult. Add to that the fact that one kid is 12 and has seen Predator (more on that in the future) and the other kid is 7 and only wants to watch stuff with dinosaurs in it, and the movie selection process is difficult, to say the least.
All of this is to say that while we were in Montreal, I decided on a new strategy: the MCU. The Hammer is, as I said, only 7, so while his older brother has seen every single Marvel flick, most of them in the theater with Yours Truly, The Hammer has only been old enough for a couple of those outings and hasn’t shown all that much interest in superheroes in general. That’s beginning to change a bit - I’ve forced the first two Superman movies down his throat and thankfully he swallowed them! - and he’s old enough to handle the generally pretty anodyne (no sex, largely fantasy-based violence, etc.) Marvel movies.
So I came up with the idea of watching them all with him, in order (probably by release date but I’m open to ideas so long as those ideas don’t start with the first Captain America). This is partially because I think he’ll enjoy them but mostly to eliminate the selection stress from our family movie nights. And because I want to watch Ragnarok again.
I’ll let you know how it goes!
Study Hell
My ADHD kid is in first grade and I am very nervous about homework as the years progress. I am a late diagnosed adult, and we had 3-4 hours a night in my middle school and high school magnet programs. my kid currently turns a 2 sentence writing prompt and illustration into a hour long production, bringing back nightmares of baby sitting a 7 year old ND kid who would scream how much she hated homework for an hour before finally acquiescing to finish in 10 minutes. I was 16 at the time and I had no idea how to handle her frustration, and I'm not much better now with my 6 yo. Every technique I have used for myself hasn't helped him. We love the original Star Wars triology in our house!
1) Do the Star Wars movies (and all of the attendant spinoffs)
2) Related comment: I think that schools assign far too much homework these days. I have watched as my kids and my step-kids spend HOURS, often up until the late night or early morning hours, in what seems to be an increasingly futile effort to keep up with the amount of work their various teachers assign. Now, I'm older, but I don't recall getting the ridiculous amount of homework that today's kids get. It seems counterproductive and can lead to a sense of defeat if the kids can't keep up, and I don't see that it really furthers their education in any way.
3) Your fun is just beginning with respect to the kids. I have a total of six (four of my own, two stepkids), with three boys and three girls. Don't know if any of your kids are girls, but if they are, good luck! Teenage girls are living proof that there is always a deeper, scarier level of crazy!