When I was growing up, there were basically two ways to interact with my parents. By talking to them in person or by calling them from a landline. (There was a third way: writing them a letter, which I did when I was trapped at sleepaway camp. But they mostly ignored that way.)
In 2024, there are dozens of methods for interacting with your teenage children, and talking to them in person is in the bottom third. In some ways, this is convenient. In others, it’s problematic, and not just in a “trying to protect them from the horrors of the internet” or a “stop annoying me with your friendship” kind of way.
My kids were all up in my face long before they had access to any electronics, and now that I have a tech-obsessed teen heading to high school in the fall, there is scarcely a limit to the ways he is able to accost and annoy me. When I’m not constantly being bombarded with his incessant requests for more snacks and more video games and more Fortnite skins, I’m constantly being assaulted with his insipid jokes and his terrible grammar and his general disdain.
The following is a dramatic recreation of one afternoon’s interaction with my 13-year-old, during which time he reached out every which way he could—except in person. even though we were both in the same house at the time.
Text
Dad: Hey bud
Son: wut
Dad: how was school
Son: fine
Dad: did you talk to your teacher?
Son: 😬 😬 😬
Dad: Dude
Son: bruh
Son: can I play Fortnite when I get home?
Son: dad?
Son: pls
Son: pls unlock
Son: ?????????
Dad: no games until you do your homework
Son: there’s a special event!!!
Dad: HOMEWORK!
Phone
*Incoming call from Son*
Ignore
*incoming call from Son*
Ignore
*incoming call from Son*
Ignore
Email
Son: plzzzzzzzz
Son: come onnnnnnnnnnn
Son: DAD!
Dad: Stop emailing me, I’m working!
Parental Controls App
Alert: Son is requesting access to YouTube
Amazon Alexa
Dad: Alexa, drop-in Kids’ Room: GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Son: FINE!
Parental Controls App
Alert: Son is requesting access to YouTube on Kindle Fire
DENIED
Amazon Alexa
Dad: Alexa, drop-in Kids’ Room: GET OFF THE KINDLE
Son: im reading!
Dad: Read a real book!
In-home Camera
*movement alert*
Dad: (sees Son enters parents’ bedroom and pick up iPad)
Dad (via camera speaker): THAT’S NOT A BOOK! AND GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Son: *panics, runs out*
Instagram
*Direct message*
Son: dad I jus wanna play for 20 mins there’s a special Fortnite event plzzzzz
Son: 🥺 🥺 🥺
Dad: *blocks son*
Phone
*Incoming call from Son*
Ignore
*incoming call from Son*
Ignore
*incoming call from Son*
Ignore
Text
Son: answrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Phone
*incoming call from son*
Me: I am literally downstairs just come talk to me!
Son: Can I please play!
Me: No. Bye.
Facebook
*Messenger notification from Wife*
Wife: bruh
Dad: Bruh, really?
Wife: skibidi
Dad: omg get off Mom’s FB!
Son: COME ONNNN JUST 20 MINS!
Dad: How did you even get on her account?
Son: 😏
Son: I got that W rizz
In-home Camera
*sees child somehow texting via the cat’s automatic litterbox*
Son: skibidi toilet!
Dad: *starts crying*
Social Media Round-up
Tidbits
My son graduated from middle school on Tuesday. (But he still has to go for five more days, for some reason.) We went to a celebratory dinner afterwards, where he devoured an obnoxiously expensive steak and wouldn’t stop asking for a new video game. Yesterday, I took him to see Furiosa, which I think he enjoyed, based on the fact that he briefly stopped asking me for a new video game. This morning, after a night of repeatedly asking for a new video game, he was late to school because he couldn’t find socks, due to the fact that he’s never once put his dirty socks in the hamper or his clean socks in his dresser. Then I gave him a pair of socks and he yelled at me for never helping him with anything. I love having a teenager!
Speaking of teenagers, I think I might be one because I like the new song from Sabrina Carpenter, who either is or recently was a teenager herself (neither option speaks particularly well of me). But in the song that I like—“Please Please Please” and NOT “Espresso” tyvm—she says “motherfucker” in an appealing way and apparently that’s all it takes to win me over. Scoff all you like, but I was talking up Chappell Roan TWO YEARS AGO (here is the newsletter entry in which I discussed seeing her live in a small venue last spring) and now she’s the hottest pop star on the planet! Clearly I know what I’m talking about!
In fact, I’m so locked into youth culture, you’d think I’d be having more success with my 13-year-old. But you’d be wrong. (See above.)
Speaking of wrong, this heat sucks! Is it fall yet? Just kidding; I like summer, sometimes (read: when I am near a pool). But fall has football, and my birthday, and hoodies, and back to school for the aforementioned teenager. I like fall better. Sue me!
Okay, you got me with the litter box 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣